Determination


Ever have one of those days where everything  just seems to go right? It’s that kind of day for me. I’m sitting in the teacher’s room, and I feel like I just did my morning classes pretty well! I’m happy about it, and I’m hoping that my next period will also go awesome. I feel so much better than I did just a day ago. It’s an amazing feeling.

I think just writing about the issues I’m having made all the difference. I’ve been locking it all away in the effort to stay positive. I don’t like admitting that I sometimes can’t handle things.In addition to that, I also don’t like making mistakes, which is stupid because I’m human and I’m going to make mistakes. It’s inevitable. However, I feel like ever since I stepped off the plane that I was slipped a stupid pill. I feel off balance and unable to find solid ground. And then, I berate myself for the whole problem. Of course, that doesn’t help me at all. It just makes me mess up even more.

I need to learn to forgive myself for making mistakes. It’s not easy. I’ve been keeping a mental tally of all the things I’ve done wrong, and I really shouldn’t. It just haunts me and brings me down. I know I need to let go and move on. Learn from the mistakes and quit beating myself up over them. It’s so hard for me! I don’t know why.

I wish I could say that someone in my life gave me this complex, but that’s not the case here. My parents were never the rub your mistakes in your face parents, and I always loved them for that. Actually, my mom was always the one telling me to just relax. My dad always showed his faith in me. My brother would look at me funny and say something along the lines of, “Yeah, you’re a real failure. You got to Japan out of sheer luck. QUIT ANGSTING!” He’s not exactly subtle. In short, I can’t think of any family or friends that would throw my mistakes in my face.

As I’m sitting here, reflecting on all I’ve done up until this point, I’ve come to realize that really nothing I did was really that awful. Yes, I got lost on occasion. Yes, I was late to a couple of meetings. Yes, I screwed up that word royally. However, I didn’t quit. I just kept going. I rolled with the punches and kept moving. That’s got to count for something, right?

And man is today a good day! I’m going to make the best of it. I’m going to let go of my issues and just relax. I will smile, I will laugh, and I will not take my mistakes so seriously. I will go to the damn grocery store with head held high. They can look all they want. I’m not going anywhere. I will speak Japanese, even at the risk of sounding like an utter baka. I will put Halloween decorations on my porch and on my desk. Deal with it!

My determination got me this far, so I know it can take me farther. It’s almost the next class period, so I’ve got to get off the computer and go to class.

TTYL!

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